Gene's Jokes

Genie Joke

Gene — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 06:42:00 +0000

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an American are all working together oneday.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each on you one wish, which is three wishes total", says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or, Canadians can come into our precious land."

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The American says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."

The American sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says,

"Fill it with water."

Yet Another Blonde Joke

Gene — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 06:38:00 +0000

that wanted to be a movie star. She traveled all the way to California and ran out of money. A friend suggested she go into the better neighborhoods and go door to door offering to work. She knocked on one door and told the young man that she needed money and would do anything for $100. The young fellow thought a moment and said: "I'll tell you what. If you paint my porch, I will give you $100 when you finish." The blonde agreed, the young man gave her a gallon of paint, and went back inside. About 30 minutes later, there is a knock on the door and the young man answers and finds the blonde standing there."I'm all finished she said." "You finished the entire porch already?", the young man asked. "Yes" said the blonde. "But I have to tell you it is a Porsche, not a porch."

Old Debt

Gene — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 06:36:00 +0000

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you"

Husband and Wife Joke

Gene — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 06:34:00 +0000

THINK, THINK, THINK..........

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure. It's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably. It is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No. I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?"

HUSBAND: "Yes. Those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No. She's left-handed."

WIFE: - silence -

HUSBAND: " . . . ohh #%*!!!!"

Parrot Joke

Gene — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 01:51:00 +0000

A lady was walking down the street

to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, “Hey, lady! Man, are you ever ugly!”
Furious, the lady stormed past the store to work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey, lady! Man, are you ever ugly!”
She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey, lady! Man, are you ever ugly.”
The lady was so incensed that she went into the store and threatened to sue the store to rid herself of the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, “Hey, lady!”
She paused and said, “Yes?”
The bird said, “You know.”

Men and Women Joke

Gene — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 01:48:00 +0000

Barbara Walters had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, noting then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.
Recently she returned to Kuwait and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

Ms. Walters approached one of the women for an explanation. “This is marvelous,” she said. “What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?”

The Kuwaiti woman replied, “Land mines.”

Lawyer Joke

Gene — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 01:47:00 +0000

A local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The director called him, hoping to get a contribution.
“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you’ve given not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the director mumbled, “Um…no.”

“Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?” The stricken director began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted. “ Or that my sister’s husband died in a car accident,” the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”

The humiliated director said simply, “I had no idea…”

“So if I don’t give any money to them, why the hell would I give any to you?”

Old Man Joke

Gene — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 01:46:00 +0000

having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
“I've never been better!” he boasted. “I've got an 18-year-old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.”

The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?” the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, “No.”

The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him!”

“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man. “Someone else must have shot that bear.”

Replied the doctor, “That’s kind of what I'm getting at.”

Gorilla Joke

Gene — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 01:44:00 +0000

One morning and found a gorilla sitting in a tree, staring back at him. He tried unsuccessfully to get the gorilla to leave, so he called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with: a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs, and a shotgun. “Now listen carefully,” the serviceman told the homeowner. “I’m going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for the privates of the animal, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the handcuffs!” “Got it.” the homeowner replied. “But what's the shotgun for?” “If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla,” said the serviceman, “shoot the Chihuahua.”

Nun Joke

Gene — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 01:42:00 +0000

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. “Who is it?” calls one of the nuns. “Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two naked nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. “Nice boobs,” says the man, “now, where do you want these blinds?”

Husband And Wife Joke

Gene — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 01:35:00 +0000

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband.

Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.

“What’s wrong with you?” She asked him.

“Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were 16?” he replied. “And remember he said, I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison.”

Baffled, she said, “Yes, I remember, so what?”

“I would have gotten out today.”

Train Joke

Gene — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 01:34:00 +0000

Man and a woman, strangers, share a berth on a x-country train. Nighttime falls and they turn down the bunks.

A couple of hours go by. Guy, in the top bunk, leans over, says "excuse me, miss, its a bit chilly, would you pass up a blanket?"

"I've got a better idea," says the woman throatily. "Why don't we pretend we're married?"

"Uhh, sure,"says the guy, "that sounds great!"

"OK," she says turning over, "get your own damn blanket."

About To Start

Gene — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 01:28:00 +0000

Guy comes home from work and sits down on the couch.

"Hey Honey, get me a beer. It's about to start!" Wifey brings a cold one, and he chugs it right down.

"Hey Honey," he says again, "get me a beer. It's about to start!" Wifey brings another cold one and he chugs it right down.

"Hey Honey, get me a-"

"WHY YOU GOOD FOR NUTHIN SON OF A B*TCH, I CLEAN THIS HOUSE AND TAKE CARE OF THESE KIDS ALL DAY, DID THE SHOPPIN, COOKED DIN-"

"There we go!" he says, 'It's started!"

Perfect Man Joke

Gene — Sun, 02 Sep 2007 02:08:00 +0000

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this... 'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day.

The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

Polish Joke

Gene — Sun, 02 Sep 2007 01:47:00 +0000

A man walks in to a store, slams his hand on the counter and says," i would like a kielbasa sandwich".
the store owner replies"you MUST be polish ! "
the first man is offended....."why must i be polish, if i order speghetti am i italian? if i order a taco am i mexican ? if i order lo mein ,am i chinese ???"
"no " replies the store owner.
"so why am i polish???????"
"Because THIS is a hardware store !!!"

Stuck Jeep Joke

Gene — Sat, 18 Aug 2007 14:18:00 +0000

During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?"

asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him thekeys, "*Yours* is."

Submarine Joke

Gene — Sat, 18 Aug 2007 14:13:00 +0000

The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy.

He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School.The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir',it's real simple.

Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface.

Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."

A dog for a wife

Gene — Sat, 18 Aug 2007 14:11:00 +0000

It was a dark, stormy, night.

The Marine was on his firstassignment, and it was guard duty.A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk.

The nervousyoung Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute,and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the saluteand said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going todisagree with the General, so the he saluted again andreplied "Sir, Yes Sir!"

.The General continued, "You know there's something about astormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing.Don't you agree?"

The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just aprivate, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever,the best type of dog to train."

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said"Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."

The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"

Six Day War

Gene — Sat, 18 Aug 2007 13:56:00 +0000

During the Six Day War, this division of Arabs is making its way across the burning desert sands towards Israel, when the Arab commander, bouncing along in his jeep, spots an aged Israeli on top a distant sand dune.

The commander drops his binoculars and shouts orders to a foot soldier to run up ahead and kill the infidel Israeli.

The soldier sprints ahead of theadvancing troops, and soon disappears over the sand dune.

The general stops the troops and waits to see what happens.Nothing happens.

The commander sends a whole platoon of soldiers to investigate.

All twelve Arabs disappear over the sand dune, never to be seen again.

The now-slightly-anxious commander dispatches 3 tanks to find out just what in the heck is going on, and they disappear over the dune, too.

Sweat pours down the commander's forehead as he orders his entiredivision to overrun the solitary Israeli behind the sand dune.But just then, the first soldier reappears on the distant sand dune and cups his hands to his lips.

"Go back!"

he shouts.

"Go back!

It's hopeless-- there's TWO of them!"

Change for a dollar

Gene — Sat, 18 Aug 2007 13:51:00 +0000

Corporal Conroy needed to use a pay phone, but didn't have change for a dollar.

He saw Private Duncan mopping the base's corridor floors, and asked him, "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Private Duncan replied, "Sure."

The Corporal turned red.

He said, "That's no way to address a superior officer!

Now let's try it again.

Private, do you have change for a dollar?"

Private Duncan replied, "No, SIR!"

Parachute Joke

Gene — Sat, 18 Aug 2007 13:49:00 +0000

A young soldier was making his first parachute jump.The corporal explained the procedure "You count toten and pull the first ripcord.

If the chute doesn'topen, pull the second.

That should do it.

Then, afteryou land, there'll be a truck waiting to pick you up."

The soldier checked his gear, called out the customary "Geronimo!"

and jumped out of the plane.

He counted toten and pulled the ripcord.

The chute failed to open. He pulled the second ripcord and the chute still didn't open.

As he plummeted downward, he said, "I'll bet that goddamn truck won't be there either!"

Airborne School

Gene — Sat, 18 Aug 2007 13:48:00 +0000

A drill instructor at Airborne school was lecturing a group of new troops on making a proper jump.

He told them:"When I yell Stand Up, you Stand Up.

When I yell hook up,you hook up.

When you go out the door, yell 'Geronimo!' and wait for your shoot to open.

Got It?

Good, get in the plane."

After a short flight he yelled "Stand UP!

Hook UP!"

and beganshoving the troops out the door.

Just after the last trooperexited, the sergeant shut the door.

Suddenly, he heard someoneknocking on the door.

He opened it to see a private flapping his arms trying to imitate a seagull.

The private looked him in the eye and asked What did you say that SOB's name was?

Sales Strategy

Gene — Sat, 18 Aug 2007 13:46:00 +0000

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advisednew recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than asking him about this,the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, thegovernment has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.

But, if you don'thave a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government onlyhas to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?"

Russian War College

Gene — Sat, 18 Aug 2007 13:41:00 +0000

At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies.

One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight a World War Three?"

"Yes, comrades, looks like you will," answers the general.

"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?"

another officer asks.

"The likelihood is that it will be China."

The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion.

How can we possibly win?"

"Well," replies the general, "Think about it.

In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key.

For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time."

"But sir," asks the panicky officer, "Do we have enough Jews"?

How The Government Works

Gene — Sat, 18 Aug 2007 13:37:00 +0000

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night."

So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"

So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"

So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people.

One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"

So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"

So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.