Jesus is watching you

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that Would name a 140 pound Rottweiler Jesus."

Language Joke

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.

The two Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries.

The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

Monkeys

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to
the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers
seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest,
and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as
supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed
the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back
to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys
became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone
catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has
collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns
from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers
rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys
everywhere!

Now you have an understanding of how the stock market works.