Stuck Jeep Joke

During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?"

asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him thekeys, "*Yours* is."

Submarine Joke

The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy.

He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School.The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir',it's real simple.

Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface.

Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."

A dog for a wife

It was a dark, stormy, night.

The Marine was on his firstassignment, and it was guard duty.A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk.

The nervousyoung Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute,and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the saluteand said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going todisagree with the General, so the he saluted again andreplied "Sir, Yes Sir!"

.The General continued, "You know there's something about astormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing.Don't you agree?"

The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just aprivate, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever,the best type of dog to train."

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said"Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."

The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"

Six Day War

During the Six Day War, this division of Arabs is making its way across the burning desert sands towards Israel, when the Arab commander, bouncing along in his jeep, spots an aged Israeli on top a distant sand dune.

The commander drops his binoculars and shouts orders to a foot soldier to run up ahead and kill the infidel Israeli.

The soldier sprints ahead of theadvancing troops, and soon disappears over the sand dune.

The general stops the troops and waits to see what happens.Nothing happens.

The commander sends a whole platoon of soldiers to investigate.

All twelve Arabs disappear over the sand dune, never to be seen again.

The now-slightly-anxious commander dispatches 3 tanks to find out just what in the heck is going on, and they disappear over the dune, too.

Sweat pours down the commander's forehead as he orders his entiredivision to overrun the solitary Israeli behind the sand dune.But just then, the first soldier reappears on the distant sand dune and cups his hands to his lips.

"Go back!"

he shouts.

"Go back!

It's hopeless-- there's TWO of them!"

Change for a dollar

Corporal Conroy needed to use a pay phone, but didn't have change for a dollar.

He saw Private Duncan mopping the base's corridor floors, and asked him, "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Private Duncan replied, "Sure."

The Corporal turned red.

He said, "That's no way to address a superior officer!

Now let's try it again.

Private, do you have change for a dollar?"

Private Duncan replied, "No, SIR!"

Parachute Joke

A young soldier was making his first parachute jump.The corporal explained the procedure "You count toten and pull the first ripcord.

If the chute doesn'topen, pull the second.

That should do it.

Then, afteryou land, there'll be a truck waiting to pick you up."

The soldier checked his gear, called out the customary "Geronimo!"

and jumped out of the plane.

He counted toten and pulled the ripcord.

The chute failed to open. He pulled the second ripcord and the chute still didn't open.

As he plummeted downward, he said, "I'll bet that goddamn truck won't be there either!"

Airborne School

A drill instructor at Airborne school was lecturing a group of new troops on making a proper jump.

He told them:"When I yell Stand Up, you Stand Up.

When I yell hook up,you hook up.

When you go out the door, yell 'Geronimo!' and wait for your shoot to open.

Got It?

Good, get in the plane."

After a short flight he yelled "Stand UP!

Hook UP!"

and beganshoving the troops out the door.

Just after the last trooperexited, the sergeant shut the door.

Suddenly, he heard someoneknocking on the door.

He opened it to see a private flapping his arms trying to imitate a seagull.

The private looked him in the eye and asked What did you say that SOB's name was?

Sales Strategy

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advisednew recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than asking him about this,the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, thegovernment has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.

But, if you don'thave a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government onlyhas to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?"

Russian War College

At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies.

One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight a World War Three?"

"Yes, comrades, looks like you will," answers the general.

"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?"

another officer asks.

"The likelihood is that it will be China."

The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion.

How can we possibly win?"

"Well," replies the general, "Think about it.

In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key.

For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time."

"But sir," asks the panicky officer, "Do we have enough Jews"?

How The Government Works

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night."

So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"

So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"

So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people.

One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"

So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"

So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

Good News. Bad News.

My doctor said, “I have some bad news and some good news.”


I said, “ Okay, “give me the bad news.”

He said, “Well, It’s all how you regard something like this, but you show definite signs of homosexuality.”

I said, “Oh, come on. What in the world is the good news?”

He said, “The good news is, I think you’re cute.”

Juggler

A young man was pulled over by the Mississippi State Police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. "Why ya driving so fast for boy? You going to a fair? Let me see your license, boy." The young man handed over his license.

Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the car was full of large knives. The officer said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?"
The young man replied, "Well sir, I'm a juggler."
The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler; well you don't say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!"

The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his point while he held him at gunpoint.

Two miles down the road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bub was drinking it up with Jerry Lee Jones. Billy Bub soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. All of a sudden Billy Bub spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy, Jerry Lee.

When Jerry Lee got on the phone, Billy Bub said, "Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don't go north on route 109. The state police are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!"

Season Tickets

Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not." "Season's more than half over," he said.

Ugly Teacher

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

Boss Joke

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead. "I'm afraid he died last week." she explains. The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week." The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?" "Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."

Golf Joke

John and his friend George go golfing together one Saturday morning, as they have done for 24 years straight. Yes, you might say these guys were fanatics about their golfing.
Later that day, John returns home exhausted, and plops down in the easy chair. His wife is concerned and asks if something went wrong with his game.
"No, no," he replied, "I had the best game I had in years! As a matter of fact, I started out the first three holes at 4 under par, including a hole-in-two on the 3rd."
"So why are you so beat?" his wife asked.
"Well, George had a heart attack and died on the 4th hole," he said.
"What?!? And you're so exhausted from trying to save him, huh?"
"No, It was very quick and there was nothing anyone could've done. But after that, it was just hit the ball, drag George, hit the ball, drag George..."

Eye Doctor

A man kept going to the eye doctor because his eye hurt and the doctor finally discovered his problem. He said, "Your eye hurts when you drink tea, so you can't drink tea." So the patient said, "But I love tea." The doctor replied, "Okay, as long as you take the spoon out."

Frightened Patient

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. "What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"

Smart Dog

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.

The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer.

So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummelling the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

Hooker Joke

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: “Paint…my…house.”

Priest Joke

Two elder priests take the new priest out fishing. As they're sitting and conversing in the boat, one elder priest says, "Man, I need to stretch my legs." So he stands up, steps out of the boat ONTO THE WATER, and takes a few steps around. The younger priest is astounded, but says nothing.

The other elder priest says, "My legs are cramped too. I think I'll take a walk." He stands up, steps out of the boat onto the water, and walks around a bit. The younger priest is in disbelief. He thinks to himself, if they can do it, I can too. I have just as much faith as they do.

So he gets up, steps out of the boat... and promptly sinks under water. The elder priests pull him back in the boat and say nothing. The younger sits a few minutes, embarrassed, but thinks, I have as much faith as they do. Gets up, steps out of the boat, and sinks. The elder priests pull him back in.

After a few minutes of awkward silence, one elder priest says to the other, "Well, Bob, should we show him where the rocks are?"

Curfew

At 11 p.m. curfew was imposed in Belfast.
Everybody had to be off the streets by 9 p.m.
However one citizen was shot at 8.45 p.m.
'Why did you do that?' the soldier was asked.
'I know where he lives,' he replied, 'and he wouldn't have made it.'

Tourist Joke

A tourist in Florida was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian. "What is it made of?" she asked. "Alligator teeth," said the Indian. "I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us.""Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

In case of an accident

If you back into a parked car, and the driver isn't with it, take out a piece of paper & start writing. This is especially effective if there are 15-20 witnesses. On a piece of paper write, "There were ___ witnesses when I hit your car. They think I'm writing my name address, phone number, insurance information, etc., on this paper. But I'm not!"

On The Train

The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper. The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me kiss you for fifty pence?"
"Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper. A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me kiss you for a thousand pounds?"
After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would." Again the man returned to his newspaper.
A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me kiss you for five pounds?"
"Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?"
"We've already established that" replied the man, "We're just haggling over the price!"

At The Convention

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."

The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!"

So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"

The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

Accident

A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error. "Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch. "Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch. He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."

Cop Joke

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Policeman Joke

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."

The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."

The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

Husband and Wife Joke

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.

The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."

Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."

The Pope

While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.
They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.

The chief asked: "Who is in the limo, the mayor?"
The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than the mayor."

Then the chief asked "Is it the governor?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone more important than the governor."

The chief finally asked: "Is it the President?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone even more important than the President."

This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: "Now who is more important than the President?!"
The policeman calmly wispered: "I'll put it to you this way chief. I don't know who is this guy, but he has the pope as his chauffeur."

At The Post Office

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 30 Catholic, 10 Baptist ones, 20 Lutheran, and 40 Presbyterian."

Waiter Joke

Diner: Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup!
Waiter: Don't worry, Sir, it's not that hot!

Manager Joke

A doctor, a lawyer and a manager were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.
The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems."

The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health."

The manager says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife -- you can go to the office and do some work.

Tax Advisor Joke

The tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"

24 Hours

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

Pregnant Wife

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

Doctor Joke

"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"

In Space

During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, NASA decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.

After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.

The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

Astronaut Joke

An astronaut in space was asked by a reporter, "How do you feel?"
"How would you feel," the astronout replied, "if you were stuck here, on top of 20,000 parts each one supplied by the lowest bidder?"

Test Gun

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions. NASA's response was just one sentence, "THAW THE CHICKEN!"

What's the difference?

What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.

Programmer Joke

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

"I know," said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

"Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

Dentist Joke

A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave man," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The husband turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

Bush and Hussein Joke

Saddam Hussein called President Bush and said, "George, I had a wonderful
dream last night. I could see America, the whole country, and on each house I
saw a banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Mr. Bush asked.

Saddam replied, "LONG LIVE SADDAM HUSSEIN."

Mr. Bush responded, "You know, Saddam, I am really happy you called. Last
night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was more
beautiful than ever. It had been rebuilt completely, and on each house flew an
enormous banner."

"What did the banners say?" Saddam asked.

"I don't know," replied Mr. Bush, "I can't read Hebrew."

Polish Army Joke

Question: How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?

Answer: Turn off the carousel.

Parrot Joke

A new parrot keeps cursing and won't stop it, so the owner throws him in the freezer for 10 minutes.
After he gets out, he promises never to curse again. Then asked, By the way, what did the turkey do?

Ways To Annoy People

At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing.
For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.'
Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Insist that your e-mail address be or
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors'.
Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
Don’t use any punctuation As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
Ask people what sex they are.
Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

Software

At a recent computer software engineering course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:

"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would immediately get off the plane?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard.

With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone takeoff.

Blonde in the Everglades

A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades
whileon vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes
in theworst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors
were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the
shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just
go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you
go on and give it a try?"

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same
young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward
her. With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and
hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly
up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The
blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration, "CRAP !
THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"