Support Israel

"Support Israel!"

A man arrives at Ben-Gurion Airport with two
large bags.

The customs agent opens the first bag and finds
it full with money so he asks the passenger,
"How did you get this money?"

The man says, "You will not believe it, but I traveled
all over Europe, went into public restrooms, each
time I saw a man pee, I grabbed his organ and
said, "Donate money to Israel or I will cut-off your
testicles."

The customs agent is stunned and mumbles:
"Well...it's a very interesting story... what do you
have in the other bag?"

The man says, "You would not believe how many
people in Europe do not support Israel!"

 

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100 Camels

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts.


After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.


"America," the husband replied.


Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "She's not from the States."


"Yes I am." said the wife.


He looked at her and asked, "Is he your husband?"


"Yes." she replied.


Turning to the husband, he offered.... "I'll give you 100 camels for her." The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "she's not for sale."


After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get the 100 camels back home."

Blonde Joke

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking... and one blonde says to the other:"

Which do you think is farther away.......... Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says, "Helllloooooooooo, can you see Florida .......?????

How are you?

A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim. "I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance company. "Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head. "You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my life.' Is that the case?" "Yeah, but" stammered the farmer. "A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly. "Yes," Replied the farmer. Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said. "Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. "Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. "Now, mate, what the hell would you have said to him?"

At Hallmark...

At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No." A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?" "I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your d*ck' cards?"

Police Joke

The LAPD, FBI, and CIA are trying to prove that each of them is the best at apprehending criminals. Louis Freeh decides to submit them to a test. He releases a rabbit into the forest, and tells each agency to go and capture it.
The CIA goes in first. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After threemonths of extensive investigating, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in next. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it including the rabbit. They make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in last. They come out one hour later with a badly beaten bear which keeps yelling, "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Bad Temper

Patient: "Doc, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people."

Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."

Patient: "I just did, you f$#%&g jackass!"

Viagra Joke

A father is visiting his adult son and sees a little blue pill on the table, and aske whats this?

The son replies its viagra.

Father says I have heard of that mind if I try it?

Son says sure but they are $10.00 each.

Father says Ill pay you tomorrow.

Next day father hands son $100.00.

Son says dad I said they were $10.00.

Father says I know the other $90.0 is from your mother

A Story around a cup of coffee

What happens when a fly falls into a coffee cup?
 

 *The Englishman*: Throws away the cup of coffee and walks away.

 *The American*: Takes out the fly and drinks the coffee.

 *The Chinese*: Eats the fly and throws away the coffee.

 *The Japanese*: Drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra.

 *The Israeli*: Sells the coffee to the American, the fly to the
Chinese, and buys himself a new cup of coffee.

 *The Palestinian*: Blames the Israeli for the violent act of
putting the fly In his coffee; asks the UN for aid; takes a
loan from the European Union
To buy a new cup of coffee; uses the money to purchase
explosives, Then blows up the coffee house, where: The
Englishman, the American,

The Chinese, and the Japanese are all trying to explain to the
Israeli that he was too aggressive .

 

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The Jewish Samurai

Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.

A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces! The emperor says, "That is really impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSSSHH. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around. The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"

And the Jewish samurai replies, "If you look closely, you'll see that the fly has been circumcised."

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The Gambler Joke

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

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The Mailman's Last Day

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a very revealing negligee. She said nothing, but instead took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom. There she engaged him in the most passionate love-making he had ever experienced.

When he could hardly even speak, let alone think of more sex, she somehow managed to shower him, dress him, and take him downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. She poured him a cup of steaming coffee and noticed his strength returning as she rubbed his neck soothingly.

Just then, as she was pouring a second cup of Java feeling like life couldn't get any better, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

He blurted out, "This whole neighborhood has been incredible on mylast day, but this here ... well, this is just too wonderful for words!"
Then, puzzled, he added, "... but ... what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and I said that we should do something special for you. I asked him what he thought I should give you." He grunted and said, "Aw fuck him; give him a dollar." Then she added, "Breakfast and the neck rub were MY idea."

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Joke: At The Job Interview

One day a man tried to get a job at a great company. He passed every test with flying colours. At the final interview part, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother customers.
"I can fix that with some Aspirin. Just take some and I'll be better in a second"
So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the Aspirin. He takes it and his blinking goes away.
The CEO says "We don't approve of womanizing!"
The guy says "Oh! No! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin while your winking"

 

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Salesman Joke

A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -
"Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"

Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again -
"Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?

Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"

The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy -
"Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".

Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:
"HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!!!"

"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"

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Joke: Getting Along

"Getting Along"

Morris and Isaac were constant companions.
Morris was a calm laid back individual and
never complained. Isaac was very nervous and
always complaining about something.

One day Isaac said to Morris, "Morris how do
you manage to get along with everybody?"

Morris answered, "Oh, I just never disagree
with anybody."

Isaac said, "Morris, you are a liar !"

Morris said, "You know what? You're right!"

Joke: Basketball Fan

There was a Knicks fan with nosebleed seat in Madison Square Garden Looking around, he spotted an empty seat court side. So, he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it,

"Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big basketball fan."

"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"

"They're all at the funeral."

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Blonde Joke

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."

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Teenage daughters

Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a
teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it
describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers
important questions about your warranty (which does NOT
include the right to return the product to the factory for a
full refund).

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:
To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged
girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with
more makeup and less clothing? (b) refuse to acknow ledge
your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting
money)? (c) sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of
these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice
try, though.

BREAK-IN PERIOD:
When you first receive your teenaged
daughter, you will initially experience a high level of
discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you
will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period,"
during which you are becoming accustomed to certain
behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress.
Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will
start acting even worse.

ACTIVATION:
To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place
her in the vicinity of a telephone. No further programming
is required.

SHUTDOWN:
Several hours after activation, you may desire to
shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do
this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER:
Having a teenaged daughter
means learning the difference between the words "clean" and
"neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take
frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will
scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you
must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to
use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they
have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step
out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom,
which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If
you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing
"clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have
time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them.
These others are called "parents."

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER:
Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals,
which must be purchased for her at
restaurants because she detests everything you eat because
it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany
her to these restaurants, because some people might see you
and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner
with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her
the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer
the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and
ohmigod he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an
attractive man is the pizza boy.

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER:
Retailers make millions of
dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing
which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy
shopping, you will love the vast selections which are
available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter
wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce
her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house,
but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she wil l
be wearing something entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE:
Teenaged daughters require one of two
levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your
daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do
won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.

WARRANTY:
This product is not without defect because she has
your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not
fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your
teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it
takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has
already happened and as far as you are concerned never
really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged
daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your
warranty does not give you your little girl back under any
circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still
there -- you just have to look for her

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Dear Alcohol

Dear Alcohol...

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work thingytail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays, hidden inside chocolates, as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with fire sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale bbq chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. CLUMSINESS (My fav): Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the frontdoor key into the lock

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully, we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your biggest fan


P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity 2. British Constitution 3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more wine for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
6. Fight? No way. Let's sit down and talk this out.
7. Text message? No I have sent enough for the night.
8. Dance? No I shouldn't I should just sit here on the barstool.

Sherlock Holmes Joke

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some ------- has stolen our tent."

Tips For Success In Business

1 Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.2 Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss--and you will get caught--your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.3 Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.4 Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing-- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's the way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour. That way, you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full"--a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

Bank customer service

"I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance ... she leaned over and pushed me."

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In The Bank...

A 5 year old girl is standing beside her mother
in a bank line. Time drags on as the line snakes
it's way up to the teller.

An extremely WIDE woman is in front of the two
as they move slowly in line. The little girl is
at eye level with the womans massive rear end.

The other bank patrons are speaking softly as if they
were inside a school library and then it happened.

The silence is broken when the large womans pager
starts to go off...

The little girl grabs her mothers hand and pulls
her forcefully as if the building was on fire.

She screams MOVE MAMMA! SHES BACKING UP!!!!

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During Church Services....

 During Sunday services an old lady leaned over to the
man nearest here and whispered, "I just let out a silent fart.
What do you think I should do?"
        "Buy new batteries for your hearing aid."

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Pickle Factory Joke

Bob worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of

years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bob said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bob came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bob?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bob, you didn't."

"Yes, I did." "My God, Bob, what happened?" "I got fired."

"No, Bob. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

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Joke: An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

 

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Joke: Use More Soap

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done
at the local Chinese laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in
the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes:
        "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
        She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied
with the results, so she wrote another note the next week:
        "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
        The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when
her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him:
        "I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES! USE MORE PAPER
ON ASS!"

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Joke: The Secret of Life

A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?" "I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied. "Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?" "Twenty-six."

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Lawyer Joke

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date.

The guy said, "It's simple. I just say that I'm a lawyer."

So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.

She said, "Oh! You're a lawyer?"

He said, "Why, yes I am!"

So they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, the guy started to laugh to himself.

When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"

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Praying 2.0

I recently was in synagogue watching a young man praying the afternoon prayers from his Palm Pilot. An older person, apparently not too tech savvy, approached and asked him what he was doing.

"I downloaded all the prayers on to my Palm," the young man responded.

"Then why are you saying it?" The older person asked. "Just highlight the text and press 'Send'..."

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Discrimination Joke

Blatant Racial Discrimination
First-grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"

Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."

The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

She does and gets a cookie.

The teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.

Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."

The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."

Morris does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.

He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."

The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."

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An Ugly Woman Joke

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Walmart with
her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way
through the entrance.
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Walmart, nice
children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course
they
bloody aren't you f***ing idiot! The oldest, he's nine and the
younger one, she's seven. Why the hell would you think they're
twins...? Do you really think they look alike, you f***ing
d*ckhead?"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe
anyone would
f*ck you twice!"