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A local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The director called him, hoping to get a contribution.
“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you’ve given not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the director mumbled, “Um…no.”

“Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?” The stricken director began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted. “ Or that my sister’s husband died in a car accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”

The humiliated director said simply, “I had no idea…”

“So if I don’t give any money to them, why the hell would I give any to you?”

having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
“I’ve never been better!” he boasted. “I’ve got an 18-year-old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.”

The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?” the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, “No.”

The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him!”

“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man. “Someone else must have shot that bear.”

Replied the doctor, “That’s kind of what I’m getting at.”

One morning and found a gorilla sitting in a tree, staring back at him. He tried unsuccessfully to get the gorilla to leave, so he called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with: a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs, and a shotgun. “Now listen carefully,” the serviceman told the homeowner. “I’m going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for the privates of the animal, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the handcuffs!” “Got it.” the homeowner replied. “But what’s the shotgun for?” “If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla,” said the serviceman, “shoot the Chihuahua.”

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. “Who is it?” calls one of the nuns. “Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two naked nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. “Nice boobs,” says the man, “now, where do you want these blinds?”

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband.

Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.

“What’s wrong with you?” She asked him.

“Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were 16?” he replied. “And remember he said, I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison.”

Baffled, she said, “Yes, I remember, so what?”

“I would have gotten out today.”